This essay was written April 16th, after the United States had experienced a Coronavirus-necessitated lockdown for less than one month, when President Trump and his allies argued in favor of putting a quick end to social-distancing in order to “save” the American economy. Those unfamiliar with Jonathan Swift’s essay “A Modest Proposal” can read it here:  https://www.gutenberg.org/files/1080/1080-h/1080-h.htm

It is a melancholy vision, when one walks down the streets of this great city and across the nation, to witness the streets and roads empty, devoid of both human and vehicular traffic. These mothers, fathers, and able bodied adults, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to stay indoors and watch television or worse read a book. The natural outcome of this is to witness the populace turn thieves or become beggars to obtain sustenance and a roll of toilet paper. 

I think it is agreed by all parties that such a prodigious number of unemployed, is in the present deplorable state of the country a very great grievance and therefore whoever could find a fair, cheap and easy method of making these citizens sound and useful members of the country, would deserve so well of the public, as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the Nation. 

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the unemployed, and shall take in the whole number of restless individuals, chafing at the necessity of physically isolating. 

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon the important subject of Public Health and Epidemiology and Darwinism, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our political leadership, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their analysis. 

I digress, and shall forthwith delve into the heart of the matter. The Lieutenant Governor of the Great State of Texas has put forth a proposal, in all seriousness, and with great bravery, that old people, those at most risk, should volunteer to die. At first glance this may seem extreme, a conservative who believes in the sanctity of life, opposes abortion and assisted suicide, openly calling for the death of the elderly. There are many merits to this suggestion, beyond the obvious opportunity to reopen the economy, a matter of paramount importance. The elderly are a drain on our society. Both Medicare and Social Security are bankrupt and as entitlements they are placing an undue burden on the wealthy who pay more than others in taxes to support these programs and who must bear an increased cost to avail themselves of these programs. What matter, that the children and grandchildren will not have benefit of their elders for guidance and love. The knowledge that they saved the economy will be solace enough. I say to this brave and creative politician: You go first. The “Take Me First” program will allow for those to lead by example, for that is the essence of great leadership. The vision of the U.S. Senate and other deliberative bodies made up of old people, bravely marching to their death, paving the way for a new generation of leadership, brings tears to my eyes as I contemplate the words that posterity will use to commemorate this suggestion. 

It has also come to my attention, that the good citizens of Ohio and Michigan have arisen in protest of the egregious sacrifice and infringement on their personal freedom, that this plague has brought upon us. It is indeed unfair that the populace is deprived of their sporting events, gun ranges, bar crawls and rowdy concerts. For without a release of their base and animal spirits, surely they will direct that energy towards lustful endeavors. We may very well see a baby boom tied to this plague that may have consequences for generations to come. Again I digress. In the face of all scientific evidence, these brave individuals have chosen to place themselves at risk, unfortunately they also place the rest of the populace at risk. Although this may in fact be an attempt to enact Lt. Governor Patrick’s suggestion of eliminating old people. To this group of hardy souls, I have a proposal that their common sense and sense of fairness will surely find appealing. We must, forthwith, establish a registry of these individuals with a medical directive that specifies that in the event they need a ventilator they should be taken last. The “Take Me Last “ program is an opportunity for those opposed to science, rational thought and the best recommendations of our leading minds, to test their theories, demonstrate the hoax being perpetrated on the Public and show their mettle.

Finally the courageous suggestion of Representative Hollingsworth of Indiana is deserving of attention. For surely the capitalist and mercantilist spirit of the Nation deserve no less of a consideration. At long last we have placed a value on our citizenry by declaring the death of a few million souls “the lesser of two evils.” Again, I call on the people of Indiana to enroll in the “Take Me First” program and demonstrate their true patriotic spirit of sacrifice. 

I can think of no one objection to the “Take Me First” and “Take Me Last” programs that will possibly be raised against this proposal, except that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the Nation. This would pale in the face of the obvious benefits to eliminating the old and having a rational and just way to apportion our medical resources. Most assuredly the economic advantages will far outweigh any disruption of our society. 

A final thought, dear reader. It has not escaped me that these two programs enact the best of Darwinism. By having our elderly leaders and the young and the restless enroll, we reap the benefit of eliminating the cognitively impaired from our citizenry. Could there be a more noble, and appropriate, ending than to have those that don’t believe in science, Darwin and rational thought make their legacy a contribution to the very principles they have abhorred?

Dr. Tighe Shomer (Silence Dogood) is a retired Emergency Department Physician residing in Florida. He has been involved in a number of Public Health and Preventative care projects and remains active as volunteer faculty at a Medical School.