Online Dating as a Black Woman
“Dark and pretty. Just the way I like,”
& Other Terrible Tinder Openers
I’d heard too many success stories of my friends finding fitties, flings, and forever-type love to resist entering the mythical world of online dating. Best case scenario: I go on some fun dates, meet new people, maybe even find “the one™️”.
Worst case scenario: I get bored and decide it’s not for me- but at least I tried, right?
Right?
Buckle up lads, because my experience is one where you have to laugh or you’ll go mad.
As is evident from Twitter accounts like @SheRatesDogs (run by @MichaelaOkla who compiles submissions from women’s experiences of Tinder), when navigating the online dating world, women are subjected to a tsunami of misogynistic and hyper-sexualised messages; whether that be in the form of extremely forward introductions, or out of the blue messages in the midst of a seemingly-normal conversation.
However, there is something particularly sinister about the types of messages that I have received (I know some of my Black girlfriends have their own examples too), whether that be fetishising the colour of our skin (“I’ve never been with a coloured girl before”), or pouncing on trends and traits that are perpetuated in media that we all consume (“Aww, I was hoping you were gonna twerk for me :(” ….I’ll come back to this one, because it’s actually a bizarre story).
“Dark and pretty. Just the way I like,” refers to just one out of an absolutely astronomical amount of opening messages which flood the screen whenever I log into my online dating profiles.
“I’ve been told to be careful of Black girls. Attitude.”
I’m determined to make this as lighthearted as possible, but it’s impossible to avoid addressing the fact that messages like these are rooted in fetishisation and dehumanisation of Black women as a result of stereotypes portrayed in the media that originate from colonial ideologies.
“Are you fertile?”
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with some harmless flirty banter (aka “flanter”), but why do so many consistently misjudge the tone of conversation when it comes to Black women?
There are multiple concepts at play here (I’ve included links to some articles and sociological analyses at the end of this piece), but I’m just going to say that this behaviour so clearly plays into the ideals of the hyper-sexualisation of Black women. This manifests in dehumanisation: being seen as an object purely for sexual gratification and adventure; something to “experience” rather than a multifaceted, sensitive, sentient actual person.
It makes you second guess the intentions of any “potentials” you encounter, both online and in real life, because you have this constant thought in the back of your mind: Do they see me as a person, or something to check off their list of “Things To Try?”.
Now for that story I promised.
A guy commented on a video from my Hinge profile saying, “Aww, I was hoping you were gonna twerk :(”.
I had a little time that day, so I responded, “Aww, I was hoping not to be fetishised :(”.
Then the defensiveness kicked in:
“You were wearing something tight in the video, maybe it’s your assumption that I’m fetishising you. I would’ve said the same if you were any other colour tbh.”
I get bored very easily, so I didn’t bother replying. That didn’t stop him from coming back a couple of days later to restate his case.
I actually chuckled when I saw the message preview in my notifications: “P.S. black rappers started…”
I’m just gonna attach the screenshot here, because I need you to understand that I hadn’t responded to this fella in DAYS, yet he felt so strongly about me calling him out that he returned to give me a little lesson in Black media history (whilst missing my point completely):
??? Very odd isn’t it.
My completely unwarranted advice regarding this whole debacle is to live as your most authentic self, because encountering less-than-genuine people is somewhat inevitable. Remember, it’s a reflection on them and not on you. You are a person of substance and worth, who deserves to be treated with honour and respect.
I’d also like to take this time to emphasise that you don’t owe it to anyone to explain why what they’re saying or their attitude is wrong, unless you feel like delving deep into these concepts. I’ve personally found that Tinder DMs aren’t really the right platform to engage in conversations surrounding fetishisation and critical race theory, but if that’s your vibe, please go ahead.
My friends and I have become adept at spotting when certain demographics have the potential to fetishise, here’s a few common red flags to look out for:
Their bio or profile not-so-subtly “name drops” ~tHE cULtuRE~ (for my Black Brits out there, this can be anything from the realm of Supermalt and jollof rice, all the way to Burna Boy and DaVido, or trying their hand at what they presume to be the language of your tribe).
One of the first things they mention (it might even be in their bio) is something pertaining to racial tropes attributed to Black women- whether coded or overt (e.g. words and phrases like “melanin,” “sassy,” and the oh-so-familiar “chocolate Queen”).
The conversation keeps being pushed back to your “roots” - but not in a friendly, “getting to know you” way; more like they’re fixated on the concept of you being “exotic” or “unusual.”
With all that said, please go forth and enjoy! I’ve encountered a wide range of people via these platforms, and though I haven’t met many in person (thanks, ‘Rona) there are some genuine good eggs out there, and plenty of interesting conversations to be had.
I’ll wrap this up with a link to the iMovie horror trailer I made a few months back about online dating, because I had too much time on my hands, and it’s actually quite entertaining (catch me at Sundance): Red Flags, Black Girl.
And here are a few articles and papers about the concepts of hyper-sexualisation and fetishisation of Black women:
The Colonial Roots of the Racial Fetishization of Black Women
Hyper-sexualisation: the realities of my black, female body
The Exploitation and Fetishism of the Black Female Body
“I have a thing for black girls”! Why the #WOC fetish is a problem
Hyper-Sexualization of Black Women in the Media
Black women are constantly hypersexualised – it’s time to stop fetishising skin colour
Chiamaka (Amaka) Elumogo is a third year student at the University of Buckingham studying Medicine. Aside from her hobbies of dancing, netball, and activism, she is also the founder of OLONA Apparel: a hand-painted clothing brand centred around creativity and sustainability (@olona.apparel).
Illustration by Alexandra McDermott Brown.